A New Paradigm for Toughing It Out

A New Paradigm For Toughing It Out

There’s really no way to give a smooth interlude to this: lately I’ve really upped my game in the department of self pleasuring. There is a ritual that I do everyday, similar to my N.B.W.R. ritual, that includes self-sex. I use that term “self sex” very intentionally because of reading this quote from Betty Dodson’s book, Sex for One:

“Masturbation is a primary form of sexual expression. It’s not just for kids or for those in-between lovers or for old people who end up alone. Masturbation is the ongoing love affair that each of us has with ourselves throughout our lifetime.”

The purpose of this ritual is not to experience a climax. It is done with the intention of getting to know my body more intimately than ever before. When I do this ritual there is always a point when I want to give up. The sensation becomes too intense, and I think I’ve had enough and gone as far as I can go. At that point, I always try to push myself just a little bit further. I ask myself, “how much more can I receive? Can I experience more pleasure than I think I have the capacity for? Can I go even further than I did the last time? And next time, even further than that?”

Fast forward to two days later where I am on the elliptical at the gym. Now, when it comes to working out, I am not a no pain-no gain kind of girl. I am a no pain period kind of girl. But as I was working out and I reached that threshold where my body was telling me I had had enough, I remembered my experience while self pleasuring. Can I experience more pleasure, even while here on the elliptical? Can I give into that feeling of intensity rather than resist it and let it take me on a ride?

Well I did. I pushed myself a little farther for a little longer, and I felt AMAZING. It made me wonder: all the times we feel like we have to “tough it out”; what if it’s not about enduring pain, but it’s actually about receiving pleasure? (click to tweet!) When I reached my true limit while working out, I felt the ecstatic pleasure of intense exhilaration. My muscles burned and my heart pounded. My whole body was covered with sweat. Not just the sweat of working out, but the sweat of a woman who just went for more than she thought she could handle.

Sounds a lot like having an orgasm, don’t you think?

Huffing and Puffing,
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The Difference Between A Fling And A Love Affair

The Difference Between A Fling And A Love Affair

Recently one of my students asked the question: “As a Sacred Seductress, what is the difference between having a fling and having a love affair?” As a purveyor of both, allow me to clarify.

A fling is brief. Heated. A flash in the pan. One fella from this winter comes to mind that we’ll call “the trumpet player”.  We had instant chemistry when we met. Our first kiss happened over a rich red wine. He was finishing a sentence, about to stand up to go visit the restroom.  This shift had brought our bodies closer together and I could tell he wanted to kiss me.  Because of his nerves or playing it cool I could also tell he wasn’t going to.

So in true seductress fashion I grabbed his shirt with my fists when he least expected it and pulled him in close. (He got the hint.)  Later that night a group of girls told us they chose that restaurant because they saw us in the window, and figured it was good luck to eat at a place where two people were so clearly in love.  They did not realize that we were only two hours into our first date.

Flings are full of memorable, heated moments like that. With the trumpet player it happened quick, it ended quick.  It was like jumping one flip on a trampoline in slow motion. I will always have a fondness for my flings in spite of, or perhaps because of the fact that we never get in too deep.

A love affair on the other hand, is quite different.

A love affair is where we consciously decide to love someone for however long we have them, knowing that due to nature or nurture, we probably will not have them indefinitely. Some love affairs last a weekend.  Some go on for lifetimes.

I once dated a man where the bud of our romance had turned to a full blossom.  He lived in another city and wanted partnership.  I knew in my heart this wouldn’t work. “You can’t have your cake and eat it too”, he once said. Au contraire, mon ami.

I’ll have my cake, eat it, lick the plate, and have the whole thing photographed.

I don’t mean that as a “fuck you”. What I’m really saying is: my soul is going to love you for as long as it has you, whether you want it to or not.

It takes great vulnerability and a very brave heart to embark on a true love affair. You never know what will happen as a result. Many of my greatest lovers have become my dearest friends. Those relationships have a special, sacred kind of intimacy like none other I have known.  And despite the heartache it often takes to get to that kind of love, if I had the chance to do it again, I wouldn’t change a thing.

Flings stay in our consciousness for as long as memory can retrieve them.  But the thumbprints, beauty marks and branding that love affairs bring – those grooves are permanent. Like a sleeve of tattoos, they only prove how bad-ass you are in the end.

Ink Me Baby,
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Photo Source: Cuded

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My Favorite Summer Beauty Products


Beach Babies,

Is there anything better than having someone tell you that you look very “sunkissed”? That’s what the beach does.  Makes you look like you’ve been making out with the warmth of the sun and the afterglow is tingling all over your skin.  I have a special reserve of products that come out in summer, or that I source whenever I need a little hit of summer the rest of the year.

Currently my head is stuck in the clouds that cover the waters of Tulum.  I first visited Tulum this spring with the Astrotwins at their Become Your Own Astrologer Retreat, and I’ve been itching to go back ever since.  I had no idea the level of knowledge, relaxation, sisterhood sensuality and just plain ol’ magic I was in for. In 2016 I am joining them in again at the retreat to teach Qoya and Sacred Seduction, along with my friend Gala Darling who will be teaching Radical Self Love. (The twins recently let me know they are almost sold out for next year’s adventure so if you feel called, click here to answer!)

In the meantime, I hope these recommendations transport you to an experience of  dancing under the stars ocean side, every time you pour them into your hands.


  • After Sun Repair by Dermalogica  When it comes to skin care, I am a die-hard Dermalogica girl.  After Sun Repair not only helps soothe sunburn and UV related inflammation, it actually has the ability to reverse damage when applied after exposure.  I use this on my face and entire body whenever I’ve been out in strong sun, whether I feel I’ve been burned or not.
  • Daily Microfoliant Another Dermalogica wonder! For my sensitive skin this is the only exfoliant that will do.  It uses rice enzymes to munch up dead skin cells without abrading the skin or causing irritation.  Perfect for getting gently scrubbing off the sweat and sludge caused by a long day in the sun. For the body, I am majorly digging the Body Shop’s Olive Scrub, which uses ground olive shells to buff away dead cells and debris. It is a cream scrub rather than an oil which means it doesn’t leave your shower floor slick, and leaves your skin feeling clean and fresh.


  • Okay, okay, okay.  I have found the HOLY GRAIL y’all.  I mix Skin Trip body lotion which smells like a freshly cracked coconut with 7 Wonders Body Oil, which smells everything else that goes in a piña colada.  The mixture of the two is HEAVEN.  Get ready for skin that is creamy as hand-churned butter with a tropical twist!


  • Devacurl products are made for curly hair (which mine is not) but in high humidity these ladies are my best friends.  Their products turn any frizz or fly-aways into an asset.  You are left with a bouncy, voluminous, wavy style. And they smell so good I swear that Angels must use this stuff to shampoo and condition.  (Not the Victoria’s Secret kind. Like, actual angels.  It smells that heavenly.)
  • Love & Salt Beauty & Hair Mist Is there anything better than beach hair? After a swim in the ocean my hair looks like I just had a romp in the hay with the ocean herself.  This hair mist from Olivie Atelier re-creates that.  I don’t know how.  I just accept that this product which lives in my purse ALL SUMMER was sent from the Goddess, and I say Thank You!

I hope this post has inspired a dip in some blue waters, either at home or under the stars in Tulum! Happy August my loves!



Top Image: Souvenir Finder

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Grace Jones, Glitter Cooking & Gypsy Caravans – July Swoon!

Summer Lovers,

The heat is high, the air is steamy, and July has almost come to a close.  I’m thrilled to reveal this coterie of treasures for our monthly edition of Swoon!

Grace Jones, Glitter Cooking & Gypsy Caravans - July Swoon!

1. As a seductress, being a savant in the art of preparing tea is a necessity.  Let me share with you my absolute, hands down, no competition favorite tea company: Bellocq.  Read the description of Gypsy Caravan. Tell me you are not transported!

2. And what would your cup of tea be without this fabulous mug, steaming with eccentric style?

3. While we’re at it, may as well drink your mystical brew while wearing a stunning lace dressing gown from Dollhouse Bettie.

Grace Jones, Glitter Cooking & Gypsy Caravans - July Swoon!

4. Let us bow, in utter reverence, to the Queen, Grace Jones.

5. My icon, idol and inspiration Miss Phryne Fisher now has her very own board game! Let’s pour the whiskey and roll the dice!

6. When women ask me how to add more seduction in their daily life, I always instruct them to add a morning ritual.  These videos of Qoya movement have become essential to mine and I think you will love them too.

Grace Jones, Glitter Cooking & Gypsy Caravans - July Swoon!

7. Over The Moon recently published one of my erotic poems. Tee-hee!

8. Esther Perel gives us all the re-frame of all re-frames in her latest Ted Talk, Rethinking Infidelity.

9. LIBERACE COOKS! Did you know that the king of bling wrote a cookbook, delivering classic recipes from his seven dining rooms to yours? I’m coming over!

Grace Jones, Glitter Cooking & Gypsy Caravans - July Swoon!

10.  The Danger Dame a.k.a. Veronica Varlow teaches us how to rev up our magnetism by literally locating our inner magnet.  Genius!

11. While you are in the kitchen, you may want to make Liberace proud by donning this completely bad-ass headdress with netting and tassels. It definitely sparks my creativity.

12.  This video from the Business Insider about How to Make Someone Fall In Love With You totally gives me the giggles, but it also has some pretty good tips that I agree with!

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When You Don’t Want What You Wanted Before (NOLA Update)

When You Don't Know What You Want by Kitty Cavalier

Back in March when I left New York after living there for 14 years, New Orleans seemed like the perfect destination to build a new life.  At the time, whenever I would think about living there, something alchemical would happen in my cells.  I felt a calling, a certainty in my bones unlike anything I had ever felt before. When I would say “I am moving to New Orleans”, not only would I feel a sassy sense of deep pride, but people’s eyes would widen as they exclaimed “I can so see you there!”  I had the inner and the outer validation checked off and was ready to launch. So I moved out of my NYC apartment, ultimately NOLA bound, with the plan to stop in South Carolina and stay with my Mom for a month or two while looking for a place in The Big Easy.

That was five months ago.

Finally, last week I headed to New Orleans for a little scouting trip.  I booked an Air BnB for a week to try out living like a local.  I made dates with every person I know who lives there. Everyone was so generous with their time and attention. “I could live here!” I thought to myself.  “Yes, I could definitely live here.” (Notice the operative word here: “could”.)

Then, one Tuesday afternoon while I was riding the St. Charles Avenue streetcar into the Garden District, the car stopped and let us off so we could connect to a shuttle bus. On the bus I closed my eyes in an attempt to drown out the hustle and bustle and calm my increasing crankiness.  “I know this feeling”, I thought.  “This is exactly how I used to feel riding the subway.”

As I walked from St. Charles to Magazine St., I felt the familiar exhaustion of walking one concrete block after another, with cars going by every 10-15 seconds. In that moment the restlessness I had been feeling all week suddenly crystallized into a stark realization: New Orleans is a CITY y’all.

When I left New York, the idea of moving from 8.5 million people to 375,000 felt like I may as well be moving to Wyoming.  I was so accustomed to the crush of New York City that the pace of New Orleans felt like an open window in the country with a cool summer breeze. But after spending some time in the actual country, I gotta say, I think my worst fears about myself might be true: that I actually want a much simpler, less glamorous life than the one my ego has planned.

And so here I am, sitting cross legged on the valley floor between two mountains.  One is the mountain of knowing what I don’t want, which in this moment looks clear as day.  The other is the mountain of knowing what I do want, which is currently shrouded by a dense, thick fog that only Mother Nature herself has the power to clear.

When You Don't Know What You Want by Kitty Cavalier

So what’s a girl to do? Well, I can’t speak for how a girl handles this situation, but I can speak as a sacred seductress. When you live The Seductive Life, a life governed by trusting deeply in the tides of desire, tides that move on their own schedule, what can you do but simply enjoy the mysteries of the tide pools while waiting for the next swell?

I once wrote a blog about how in the birthing process, if the baby does not come out at a certain point the womb will start to become the tomb.  Similarly, for the baby to come out too soon would cause all sorts of complications for everyone involved. So next week I am headed to Asheville, NC to go on a date with that city as a possible suitor.  (Got any recommendations? Hit me up!) Then I am headed back to my beloved New Orleans in September for my annual seduction retreat.  At this point, I “could” end up anywhere. But for right now, I know I must do the scariest thing, which just happens to be doing nothing at all.

One thing I know is this: seduction cannot be forced. So, I will wade in the discomfort of not knowing what’s next.  I will be endlessly grateful for the freedom I have to look for the sensation of “want” rather than “could” or “should”. And as I keep my eyes fixed on the fog moving over that mountain, I will do my best not to miss the clear sunshine here on the valley floor.

Country roads, take me home,
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“If it’s not T&A, then what is it?

Seduction: if it's not T&A, then what is it? By Kitty Cavalier

Recently when teaching a class, I felt inspired to dedicate the day to a very special woman named Ginger.  Ginger was one of my very first students.  She was a somewhat ornery woman in her mid-70’s with red hair on her head that burned as bright as the fire in her heart.  She came as the guest of another woman who paid for her admission. Let’s just say seduction class was not something she would have attended on her own volition.

“Kitty,” she said after raising her hand. “I’ve got a question for you. You say this stuff is all spiritual, but I mean, seduction? (said with a tone of mild disdain) If it’s not T&A, then what is it?”

(For my international babes, T&A means ‘tits and ass.’)

I found this question so refreshing. And it also scared me out of my wits. Back in those early days, what was I really doing pairing seduction with spirituality? I asked myself that question about a hundred times a day.  There I was, on the spot.  Vulnerable.  Being pressed to share my truth in a way it had never been challenged before.  I started to shake in my boots, but you know what they say.  That is usually just a sign that God is shaking the truth right out of you.

“I’m so glad you asked Ginger,” I replied as I walked closer to her and stared deep into her eyes.  I leaned over to her, face to face and said: “Seduction doesn’t take T & A.  What seduction takes is GUTS.”

Ginger eyed me approvingly.  I had effectively seduced her. I had let the rigid body of her question enter my arms like a trust fall, meeting it with soft vulnerability rather than a shove of defense.  Or even worse, ignoring it all together and letting it hit the ground with a loud SPLAT.  My courage to be honest had won her over. And after that class, every time I would send out a blog, Ginger would email back her thoughts on the subject. This continued until she passed away awhile ago. R.I.P. (rest in pleasure), my friend.

And so, in honor of Ginger, today I want to share with you my personal secret for charging forward in your seduction practice with a brave heart and a fierce swagger.  Yes, seduction takes guts, but how to we get the guts to go for it? Here’s the thing:
Seduction Takes A Village by Kitty Cavalier
The sacred seductress is the ultimate woman of empowerment. She is a woman who lives her life in total sovereignty; inclusive, rather than exclusive of her erotic power.  But contrary to the traditional paradigm of being a lone wolf who can’t seem to settle down, the sacred seductress is deeply rooted in community and unafraid to ask for help. Anyone who plays a part in the current ass-kicking of patriarchal/dominator culture norms is no stranger to the theory that we can’t do this alone.

This is why in every one of my courses there is a strong element of community and personal coaching. Support is essential in living a seductive life! I bring this forward because today is the final day to receive three free group coaching calls when you become a member of The 7 Virtues of the Seductive Woman. The 7 Virtues is a course you can enroll in any time, but this is the last chance to receive this special pre-sale bonus of three 60-minute group calls.  On these calls you are guaranteed to have your questions answered, whether you can make the call live or not. In-between calls there is also amazing follow-up and support in our private Facebook group.

I would love nothing more than to get to know you, down and dirty, around the 7 virtues campfire this summer.  Click here to join us!

To every brave move you make, and to you Ginger,
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Snow White, Adrift

Snow White, Adrift by Kitty Cavalier Have you ever met a little girl who loves doing stations of the cross? Who gets excited to nestle in behind a screen and confess her sins to a priest? Who would go to church not just on Sunday morning, but Saturday mornings too, and would have gone to church every other morning were it not for having to go to stinkin’ school?

That kid was me.

When I was a child, I was in love with religion.  Jesus was my hero, the disciples were my bros.  Mary was not only my patron saint, but my name sake.  I remember looking up at a statue of Mary in our church, her stoic porcelain face staring over my shoulder, and wishing I could just go sleep in the folds of her big blue robe.

I don’t remember the exact moment that going to church changed from feeling like a sanctuary to feeling like an asylum. But I think we can all safely guess it was right around the time my body began to betray me:  a.k.a. – puberty.  As my breasts became more than buds, so did my carnality and tendency towards “sin”.  I smelled a rat in what used to smell so pure. What once felt medicine had now started to feel like poison. Or perhaps more accurately, a medicine I felt I was no longer deserving of having committed the sin of being born female.

Mae West put it best when she said: “I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.”

Grateful I am to have drifted, because where the wind blew me was to the secret garden of the Divine Feminine.  My life’s journey and work has been to bring voice to feminine spirituality for myself and others, particularly as it relates to the sacredness of our inherent, carnal, sensual spirit.  I have met many daring, amazing, enlightened, spunky souls on this journey, one of them being Meggan Watterson. When I was selecting three guest teachers for my new course The 7 Virtues of the Seductive Woman, there was no doubt Meggan would have a high seat on the council.

Snow White, Adrift by Kitty Cavalier

Meggan is the author of Reveal: A Sacred Manual For Getting Spiritually Naked.  She has a Masters from Harvard Divinity School and has taken pilgrimage all over the world to visit the sites of Divine Feminine history.  She’s a quadruple Scorpio with eyes so blue that when she looks at you, you simultaneously feel cool as a cold plunge and hot as a bonfire.  Basically, she fucking ROCKS.

Meggan is a fierce warrioress for Divine Love as Source, and that the love we are all so desperately seeking outside ourselves is actually right here within us.  And if we are willing to go within, really go within, letting our soul inhabit our body, we will find a source of greater love than we could possibly imagine.

“I couldn’t agree more.  YES!!” I replied enthusiastically to her musings in our interview. And yet, I had to ask: “So Megg, what about the mornings when you wake up and you just like, really want a boyfriend?”


Of course my deeper question was how to reconcile the moments when we lose that connection.  When our humanity feels so tender and  heartbreaking that we’d practically sell our souls for an easier way out. Her answer struck a chord in me like a deep G on my Mom’s church choir guitar: “You must make the practice of connecting with Divine Love habitual”, she said.  After going on to describe several of her own practices, Meggan continued “Whatever gives you the taste of your soul inhabiting your body and fills you with a knowing of Divine Love, do that habitually.”

You might be thinking “Duh, Kitty”, but for me this was a light bulb moment. I thought back to being a kid in church and how much I loved the practices of my faith.  There were prayers in the morning and prayers at night. There was church on Sundays.  Just like when you are training a dog and they emphasize the importance of routine, religion offers us routine connection with the Divine.  Even if it is just to say Hi to a fellow church goer, or sit in a pew and hear ancient pieces of prose inspired by Divine Love, there is a continual touchstone of Divine contact one can rely upon.   And I miss that.

Snow White, Adrift by Kitty Cavalier

When my niece was baptized,  I attended church a few times with her  family before becoming her Godparent.  Every time we went, I cried through the whole mass.  It was so embarrassing.  I couldn’t help it.  I would try to stop it and that would only make things worse.  I have never really known what those tears were about until now.  Walking into that church felt like coming home. It wasn’t just the smell of melted wax and the glow of stained glass; it was the structure I missed.  I missed the rules, the barometer by which I could measure whether I was doing things right or wrong. Was I actually missing my big patriarchal Daddy in the sky??!!!

Hey, I love my wild feminine way of being and wouldn’t trade it for the world.  But I must say, on this journey I do sometimes feel like a nomad in the desert.  I am so grateful for all my communities – Sacred Seduction, Qoya, The Sister Goddesses, My Burlesque Community; just to name a few. But even still, habits can be hard when there aren’t set spiritual rules to follow along with.

I find myself wanting to close this piece by giving you a definitive how-to guide on habitual Divine connection, but the truth is I don’t quite have that answer. And in that nesting doll of mystery lies the ultimate answer, doesn’t it?  That the fun part, really, is finding out for ourselves.

All My Lovin’,
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Want to take advantage of three private group coaching calls with me? The 3-call Bonus included in The 7 Virtues Of The Seductive Woman expires this Friday, July 10th. Come on. Let me spoil you. 


Photos: Burke Heffner and Beth Mayesh






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Our #7PEARLS Sweepstakes Winner!

Oh my heavens.

Thank you to everyone who participated in the 7 Pearls Of Seductive Wisdom contest on Instagram. What a hoot it was! And what a wonderful kick-off to my brand new, fresh-out- of-the-oven, hotter-than-a-hot-cross-bun program: The 7 Virtues of the Seductive Woman. (Click to take a bite!)

When creating the drawing for this contest, I could have just drawn out of a hat and posted a photo of the winners name. But what kind of seductress would I be if I didn’t teach through doing?

In this video, I am happy to demonstrate and call upon one of my  favorite personal virtues: Cheekiness!

Congrats to our winner! And for more good times and great swim camps, follow me over on Instagram!

You make bath time lots of fun,
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My Brand New Course Is Here!


My Darling Doves,

I am so excited for today. I feel like a little girl who is wired because she couldn’t sleep the night before her big birthday party.

The table is set, the streamers are hung, and my party dress is ON. It is my pleasure to present to you my brand new course: The 7 Virtues Of The Seductive Woman.

This program is very special to me, as all my programs are, but this one in particular sets a new groove in my heart.  For years, many of you have shared a desire to learn Sacred Seduction with a program that can be done at your own pace, anywhere in the world.  Some of you have emailed me to say that you would love to attend one of my classes or retreats, but it’s just not in the cards at the moment and you’d like a more accessible, affordable option.  And then there is my alumni who want a re-fresh with some brand new content to inspire their seductress sparkle.   If any of these sound like you, I am very proud to say that darling, today is our day!


Alright, alright.

Have I teased you enough?

Are you ready for the big reveal? Let’s Go!

Click here to take a first look at The 7 Virtues!


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A Make Out Couch, A Mystic & The World On A String = June SWOON!

12 treasures worth swooning over!

My Little Clementines,

It’s June! You know what that means? Time for our monthly edition of Swoon! My new favorite hobby is mining the internet for all the treasures I wish to share with you and squandering them away on a secret little Pintrest board. (rubs hands together with a devilish smile.)

Enjoy and report back as you try each truffle on the tray!

12 treasures worth swooning over!


1. This crushed velvet blue sectional from Horchow may cost 9 grand, but can you imagine the make outs you’d have on that thing?

2. “The Benefit of Making Noise In and Out of Bed” of Huff Post by my dear friend Betsy Blankenbaker.  She speaks for all of us and will loosen the noose on your truth with this article. (While we’re at it, her book is pretty rockin’ too.)

3. The Cheeky Mystic is my new Etsy obsession.  Handmade custom candles with rituals, crystals, oils AND glitter?! What more could a Witchy Woman ask for?

12 treasures worth swooning over!

4. Pretty much sums up being a seductress in a nutshell.

5. Fabulous and thought provoking article from the NY Times on learning how to make criticism your new lover.

6. It is no mistake I am only showing you a peek of this red dress.  At only $124 smackers and sizes 4-16 US, it’s worth a click.

12 treasures worth swooning over!

7. This, this right here? This has been my instant go-to whenever I need a smile and a lift for oh, three years.

8. Seven Pearls of Seductive Wisdom is ROCKING on Instagram! It’s like a little seduction advent calender. Click here to get the full scoop and see the seven pearls in their full glory.

9. How do you spell vintage pin-up summer? F-L-O-R-A-L B-A-T-H-I-N-G C-A-P.

12 treasures worth swooning over! 10. It’s here! It’s here! #RSLbook is here! Gala Darling’s first book Radical Self Love is finally available, but guess what? It’s only available for another three weeks and then it’s gone! Ha! Well teased my love, well teased.

11. Amanda Young probes an important question: “Will the world really be saved by Western Women?” with just the right amount of ferocity and grace.

12. I’ve got the world on a string, sittin’ on my neckline….

12 treasures worth swooning over!

**BONUS! Keep your ears perked this Monday, I’ll be revealing a brand new program that I can’t wait to show you!

Until then, all my lovin’,
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