Have you ever met a little girl who loves doing stations of the cross? Who gets excited to nestle in behind a screen and confess her sins to a priest? Who would go to church not just on Sunday morning, but Saturday mornings too, and would have gone to church every other morning were it not for having to go to stinkin’ school?
That kid was me.
When I was a child, I was in love with religion. Jesus was my hero, the disciples were my bros. Mary was not only my patron saint, but my name sake. I remember looking up at a statue of Mary in our church, her stoic porcelain face staring over my shoulder, and wishing I could just go sleep in the folds of her big blue robe.
I don’t remember the exact moment that going to church changed from feeling like a sanctuary to feeling like an asylum. But I think we can all safely guess it was right around the time my body began to betray me: a.k.a. – puberty. As my breasts became more than buds, so did my carnality and tendency towards “sin”. I smelled a rat in what used to smell so pure. What once felt medicine had now started to feel like poison. Or perhaps more accurately, a medicine I felt I was no longer deserving of having committed the sin of being born female.
Mae West put it best when she said: “I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.”
Grateful I am to have drifted, because where the wind blew me was to the secret garden of the Divine Feminine. My life’s journey and work has been to bring voice to feminine spirituality for myself and others, particularly as it relates to the sacredness of our inherent, carnal, sensual spirit. I have met many daring, amazing, enlightened, spunky souls on this journey, one of them being Meggan Watterson. When I was selecting three guest teachers for my new course The 7 Virtues of the Seductive Woman, there was no doubt Meggan would have a high seat on the council.
Meggan is the author of Reveal: A Sacred Manual For Getting Spiritually Naked. She has a Masters from Harvard Divinity School and has taken pilgrimage all over the world to visit the sites of Divine Feminine history. She’s a quadruple Scorpio with eyes so blue that when she looks at you, you simultaneously feel cool as a cold plunge and hot as a bonfire. Basically, she fucking ROCKS.
Meggan is a fierce warrioress for Divine Love as Source, and that the love we are all so desperately seeking outside ourselves is actually right here within us. And if we are willing to go within, really go within, letting our soul inhabit our body, we will find a source of greater love than we could possibly imagine.
“I couldn’t agree more. YES!!” I replied enthusiastically to her musings in our interview. And yet, I had to ask: “So Megg, what about the mornings when you wake up and you just like, really want a boyfriend?”
Of course my deeper question was how to reconcile the moments when we lose that connection. When our humanity feels so tender and heartbreaking that we’d practically sell our souls for an easier way out. Her answer struck a chord in me like a deep G on my Mom’s church choir guitar: “You must make the practice of connecting with Divine Love habitual”, she said. After going on to describe several of her own practices, Meggan continued “Whatever gives you the taste of your soul inhabiting your body and fills you with a knowing of Divine Love, do that habitually.”
You might be thinking “Duh, Kitty”, but for me this was a light bulb moment. I thought back to being a kid in church and how much I loved the practices of my faith. There were prayers in the morning and prayers at night. There was church on Sundays. Just like when you are training a dog and they emphasize the importance of routine, religion offers us routine connection with the Divine. Even if it is just to say Hi to a fellow church goer, or sit in a pew and hear ancient pieces of prose inspired by Divine Love, there is a continual touchstone of Divine contact one can rely upon. And I miss that.
When my niece was baptized, I attended church a few times with her family before becoming her Godparent. Every time we went, I cried through the whole mass. It was so embarrassing. I couldn’t help it. I would try to stop it and that would only make things worse. I have never really known what those tears were about until now. Walking into that church felt like coming home. It wasn’t just the smell of melted wax and the glow of stained glass; it was the structure I missed. I missed the rules, the barometer by which I could measure whether I was doing things right or wrong. Was I actually missing my big patriarchal Daddy in the sky??!!!
Hey, I love my wild feminine way of being and wouldn’t trade it for the world. But I must say, on this journey I do sometimes feel like a nomad in the desert. I am so grateful for all my communities – Sacred Seduction, Qoya, The Sister Goddesses, My Burlesque Community; just to name a few. But even still, habits can be hard when there aren’t set spiritual rules to follow along with.
I find myself wanting to close this piece by giving you a definitive how-to guide on habitual Divine connection, but the truth is I don’t quite have that answer. And in that nesting doll of mystery lies the ultimate answer, doesn’t it? That the fun part, really, is finding out for ourselves.
All My Lovin’,
Want to take advantage of three private group coaching calls with me? The 3-call Bonus included in The 7 Virtues Of The Seductive Woman expires this Friday, July 10th. Come on. Let me spoil you.
Photos: Burke Heffner and Beth Mayesh