Recently I was talking with a client about her current lack of desire for sex. I asked her if she thought there was anything her husband could do to help increase her level of desire. “Well yeah there’s a lot he could do. He could compliment me throughout the day, grab my ass, buy me flowers, kiss me for no reason….” the list went on.
I could so relate to this, and I bet you can too. Sometimes romance seems frivolous or unnecessary, but in my years of research both personally and professionally, I have come to know this one thing for sure: romance is an essential nutrient to the feminine soul.
Last night for example, I was lying naked in my lover’s arms. My body was shimmering as warm candlelight reflected off the golden oil I had just massaged into my skin. I felt Buena Vista Social Club pressing its signature sound against my body like hot, steamy Cuban air. As my lover looked at me, he told me I looked like a movie star. I felt like a fucking movie star. I have had so many moments in my life that are just teeming with magic and beauty, and I owe it all to my insistence upon romance. It would have been very easy to skip lighting the candles out of fear of looking cheesy, or ignore the craving for make-out music that had been tugging at the hem of my dress. But romance is like oxygen to me – I just breathe more deeply when it’s around.
When I think of the top ten most romantic moments of my life, yes there was that epic countdown kiss on New Years. There was that boat ride under the willows in Central Park. There was that time I dressed up like a living pin up and drifted around the city with my lover who was clad with a camera, sharing a flask of Jameson and photo documenting our love affair as artist and muse.
(Pauses to catch breath.)
But what about the Sunday picnic I went on with my mom, where we brought Champagne and art supplies and spent the day painting trees as their leaves danced in the sun? Or the time I made a major screw up at work and bought myself a $75 bottle of Champagne to celebrate never having to make that mistake again? I remember when I used to work in 9-5, I made a commitment that every Wednesday I’d take myself out on a romantic lunch date. I would go to a fancy restaurant and order a glass of wine. I’d bring my favorite book and leave my phone at the office. Lingering over three full courses was a far cry from choking down a salad at my desk like every other day. I found that I would often leave some food behind on the plate, simply because I was so full from slowing down to feel. Romance can be so nutritious.
Often we resist romance because we think we don’t have time for it, or we fear that our partner will find our efforts are silly or stupid. That is why learning how to romance yourself is essential to living a lifestyle of seduction. We cannot teach others what we do not know ourselves. In Betty Dodson’s book Sex For One, she talks about how when we are asked about our first sexual experience, we often recall the first time we experienced intercourse. But actually, our first sexual experience happens long before that, when we first start exploring our bodies as little kids. Her point is that the erotic relationship we have with ourselves is a completely separate entity from the relationships we share with others, and I couldn’t agree more.
Today, I urge you to take this ancient alchemist we call romance and pour it onto your life like ganache on a layer cake. What would woo you today? Remember, every woman’s taste for romance is different. If flowers and chocolate make you want to hurl, get creative. What is on your romance wish list? Tell me in the comments darling, tell me everything.