If You Ever Feel Like The Anti-Seduction…


Recently I experienced a pretty traumatic event in my life, and currently I feel like lighthouse that is out of service on a foggy night. My normal spiritual tools of cheering myself up with red lipstick, big adventures, grand dinner parties and dancing the night away could not be further from my mind. And that is just fine by me.

Today I was in a coffee shop and there was an adorable, chirpy little barista taking orders. I walked up to the counter looking like Baba Yaga herself (pictured above), the ultimate iconic hag witch. The barista chirped away lovingly trying to infect me with her joy.  In fact, there were hot, attractive people all around the coffee shop, each saying good morning to me, making eye contact, smiling and the like.

I wanted to slap them all.

Actually that’s not true.  I didn’t want to slap them, I just didn’t want them near me.  I just didn’t want anything or anyone near me other than a small circle of family and friends that I know and trust.

It is no secret or surprise that feeling sad, angry and alone is not exactly honored in our world, collectively or individually.  No one is immune from the impulse to pop a pill, buy a self help book, or bully themselves into “being more grateful” to try to escape the feeling of sadness and self-pity. 

But there is a big difference between wallowing in self-pity and marinating in the truth of how you feel. (click to tweet!)



I define Sacred Seduction as attraction through authenticity. Right now, I feel decidedly un-attractive. Opportunities, people, chances to be happy or “cheer up” are passing me by like cars speeding down a highway, and I am completely content to remain here in my lawn chair watching them pass, not feeling attract-ive or attract-ed to a single thing.

True seduction is an act of surrendering to your own true nature. And like all things in nature, seduction is cyclical.  It cannot be rushed. To do so would be like showing up to your own birthday party while your friends are still hanging the decorations. You’ll be disappointed, they’ll be pissed. So for today, though it is uncomfortable, I am content to wallow in this silky darkness, knowing that my willingness to do so is the exact lubricant necessary to move me closer to next phase of coming alive again.

Now, I turn the spotlight to you in the comments:

How do you practice soaking up your darkness like a sponge? What are your methods and tools for trying to feel deeper, rather than just trying to feel better?  I read every one of your comments, and would be so grateful to hear your wisdom.

With my best Baba Yaga bad breath,













  1. Sometimes I need “inspiration” to allow my feelings to fully emerge before I can sit with them. The arts always do this – music that is melancholy (Edith Piaf, any Fado music, especially Mariza, Nina Simone); French movies or black and white movies, using paints and crayons to scribble, etc…or long walks alone, especially in nature. These things are just temporary as they allow my feelings to fully “bloom” so I can sit with them…
    Thank you for giving us all permission to just be – with all our glorious shadows along with our light.

  2. Qoya, Mae West movies, red lipstick, burlesque, a new dress seem to bring me back to myself. You are totally right though, sometimes you just have to wait it out. The Baba Yaga illustration made me chortle with recognition.

  3. Kitty, you did it again!!! What a super post! I’m not sure I have anything to add. I’m gradually learning not to bolt away from dark feelings/situations. Awhile ago, I went thru a “blue” patch and decided to try just acknowledging that, saying to myself, “I’m sad today. I feel sadness and that’s just the way it is, today” It was weird to acknowledge a feeling I’d rather not have and hang out in it the same way one feels when trying on a garment that doesn’t quite fit. But it was “wearable”. I don’t even recall taking that garment off, hanging it up, or even putting it away. It just silently and quietly evaporated. Yoga, cycling , walking – moving my body somehow, someway helps a lot, too.

  4. Thanks Kitty for sharing your vulnerability and authenticity. You give me courage to sink deeper into my own darkness. As an aid I light candles, use my essential oil burner with citrus scents, spray my face with rose water read poems or spiritual books such as Pema Chodrun When things fall Apart… And allow the feelings to arise.

  5. Kitty, I don’t know what has happened but it sounds like your heart has been broken…as though you are grieving a loss/disappointment/betrayal of something/someone…I find it is difficult to be in that “dark” place out in public in the American culture…there doesn’t seem to be much room, acceptance, tolerance of/ for the “darker” emotions…its as though we should express those in private only…yet it would be so healing to have a barista look at a person and see the pain in their eyes and just take it in for a moment…and respect it and be with it…that’s all…and that small act would be so real and healing for both involved. What has gotten me through those tough times is being out in nature for a hike or sitting at the beach, quietly sitting with myself and breathing deeply, holding myself in my heart with kindness and acceptance…and time. I recommend a book called The Wild Edge of Sorrow by Francis Weller…its all about rituals of renewal and the sacred work of grief. Hugs to you.

  6. Oh my Dear, I am honored you have stretched your heart out. When I traveled the the most gut-wrenching path, I was determined to not numb the pain. I learned to compartmentalize so I could choose when to function and when to open the door and meet pain head on. For two years, I could not listen to music at home or in the car or concerts, no theatre or movies. I stayed warm and still and learned the rhythms of silence. I delighted in joy when it peaked around the corner like a feral cat, though my face felt made of stone. I determined my worth. My faith in the promises of my Lord was and is honored daily. And I reminded myself endlessly, I held the lowest low in my life and there will be a corresponding joy.
    Psalm 46:10. Be still and know that I am God. And that is how I do it. Gentle hug.

    • GORGEOUS Shelley! Wow, this is so moving. I feel the exact same, determined not to numb. Thank you for sharing so generously.

  7. I cannot add much more except I love the idea of allowing the feelings to “bloom”. often my feelings can be tapped into by getting in touch with my body and where perhaps they reside. I have a conversation with my body allowing her to speak to me and say what she’s feeling. When it’s really difficult or a particularly traumatic experience what your own instincts suggest are perfect – I seek out my dear mentor or others who love me unconditionally and do this work with them so they can guide and/ or offer physical support as I discern. I must admit though that I am experiencing similar feelings right now and solitude has been my tendancy which has yet to be revealed as the best path. Honored as always to share the journey even from afar.

  8. Emotional Freedom Technique every single time! It allows me to be ‘with’ the feelings I am experiencing and lovingly go to the core of where they are coming from to work on healing the root in my own time. Sometimes I am not ready and tapping is just a balm, allowing me to let the feelings wash through me freely in their own rhythm without my feeling the need to grab and hold onto them. It gives me a safe place to be in my feelings without stiring the pot in a way that could be painful <3

    • Beautifully said. A friend introduced me to this recently so I’m looking forward to exploring it more. Thanks Esther!

  9. I appreciate the honesty, Kitty. When I feel the darkness come on I like to put on some emotionally intense, favorite music and just have a good sob.

  10. Kitty-
    You are such an amazing woman. Thank you for this blast of authenticity in this world of fake positivity or else you are doing it wrong.

    All i know is the more I fight exactly what I feel, the longer I have to deal with it. The more I suffer. I suffer less when I open up to it. No matter how hard it is.

    Sending you LOTS of love

  11. Baba Yaga is a Slavic/Polish witch, so I felt a connection immediately… and wanted to respond. Thank you Kitty for sharing this authentic place you are in with a wider circle of women. I feel honored and I feel that it takes courage and great openness to speak out loud FROM this place. Usually it stays numb. The pain or the shame stifle the voice. In my own experience saying in the dark is done best with respect to everything that arises – be it silence, tears, staring at the wall for hours… its alchemy! just let it go where it wants. Deep bows and gratitude!

    • I so totally agree Agata! Thank you for sharing about respecting all that comes. Baba Yaga would be proud of us!

  12. For me a recent deepening discovery has to do with making lots of space on the inside for any feeling or sensation. I used to think when people said that it was sort of metaphysical or just mental, but breathing in a full circle, allowing a spreading out in all directions, actually expanding my energetic container to hold the feeling…that is working wonders to move through all kinds of physical and emotional tightness and pain. Making big room……

  13. Stay with your broken heart.

    Love your sadness, for you will not always be sad.

    Words from other people that have helped me a lot.

    Much love to you, Kitty!

  14. Dearest Kitty: I send you love and light and loveliness for whenever you are ready to enjoy them again. Finding your blog and videos has been wonderful, and your luscious writing, your philosophy and your recommendations have been very often just what I need. I am the new mom of a 15 months old divine baby girl. Motherhood has been a wonderfull gift and a time of incredible growth and challenges for me. I have very often felt the perplexity of not being able or maybe even willing to connect with my sensuality like I could before. I have had to be gentle with myself while figuring out how to be a woman and lover while exhausted, overstretched and navigating the changes in my body. My prepegnancy high pumps have left the building (thank you, relaxin, my feet are now half a number longer and wider).
    And as you wisely mention, these ips and downs have made the cyclical nature of life sink into me. In a weird way, I am learning to love where I am and anticipate loving where I’ll be. Thank you for being so open and throwing true, vulnerable goodness our way. Baba Yaga or purring Kitty, you rock! <3

    • Thank you so much Johanna for sharing your gutsy and glorious journey of motherhood. I’m so grateful to have you in our community!

  15. Kitty,

    THANK YOU for sharing this part of you.

    I love sacred seduction. And the silky darkness is something I experience too sometimes.

    I surrender to the feeling so that it can move through me. I can’t think of time, of how long is enough – this gets in the way. I cannot hurry getting back to the good part again.

    And as I feel it, I keep in the back of my mind a ‘higher view’ as if God Herself was looking down knowing that it’s all part of the experience.

    I do not get attached to the emotion for it will pass.

    And I watch out for numbness – this is a sign that I’m blocking it from all pouring forth.

    Much love,

  16. I really appreciated this post. Thank you for sharing your heart and being vulnerable with us. I have depression and over the years have learned to sit with the dark days and dark weeks. I remind myself it’s a tunnel, not a cave. It’s freeing to give yourself permission to not be okay. As cheesy as it is I watch the sad episodes of shows I love, when the main character is also sad and feeling dark. I cry in the shower and don’t really make any plans. I stay in touch with close friends through phone calls if I’m not up for being around people. I’ll journal. If I’m really upset I’ll write out all the unanswered questions I have for the universe, and place it in an envelope, and tuck it away somewhere, and loose track of it.
    Much love

  17. Bouquet of favorite flowers,
    pot of favorite tea,
    light from favorite candles,
    with music of the sea.
    Nestle into angel wings,
    whisper out the grief,
    moonlit tears reflect,
    sacred time upon self compassion reef.

  18. Hi Kitty
    Lovely imagery!
    Until recently I would work hard and relentlessly on feeling better as soon as the hag would come to my door. I would fear her and the rituals to keep her from me would stumble on each other frantically. And she would laugh at my silly efforts. She would say’dont you know that the garlic, silver bullets and crosses don’t work if it’s not truely in your heart!’
    And then I would turn off the WiFi, the music, the chimes and the inscens and just sit in the quiet, the dark. Hearing my breath. Listening to what was in my heart. And the hag turned into a little girl singing ‘ It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to,..,’
    Much love

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