When Gratitude Is Toxic

Of all our spiritual practices, the one thing we know we can depend on is gratitude, right?


Gratitude is indeed a blessed, beautiful, important practice, when it is sincere. But when forced, gratitude can be manipulative, toxic and a waste of time.

I spent my 20’s dating, engaged, then married to a wonderful man. This was a man who served me at every turn. He was supportive and caring. I thought I had the husband of the century. So when I felt that something was off in the relationship and developed a mysterious resentment towards him, I figured the problem had to be me.  I was convinced I just needed to become more grateful for what I had.

I wrote gratitude lists for all the qualities I loved about him, which sounds like a nice, wise, spiritual thing to do. But when it came down to it, I wasn’t writing those lists because I was grateful. I was trying to turn up the volume on “grateful”, in order to the volume down on my truth.

Ten years into the relationship, he revealed a deep betrayal that had been going on since day ONE.  Do you know what I feel grateful for now, five years later? MY INTUITION.

In this instance, gratitude caused me not to trust myself. It quieted the spiky, suspicious voice of my truth; soothing and smoothing it like a honey-voiced Professor Umbridge from the Harry Potter movies.

Gratitude was like the shrunken gel air freshener in a smelly gas station bathroom.

Genuine gratitude is of course, important. But when used to push our feelings away, gratitude can be downright toxic. (click to tweet)

An example of this from my current life is the city in which I live. I hate living in North Carolina.

There, I said it.

Am I grateful for the lessons I’ve learned here, and the wonderful people I’ve met? 100%.  Am I grateful for the river, the mountains, the crickets I hear at night? About 20%. I’m a city girl, through and through. In the words of Walt Whitman, “Keep your quiet places by the woods, give me the streets of Manhattan!”

Here’s the thing – that does not make me ungrateful.  It makes me HONEST.

In my new book Club Macaron (available now through May 31st), there is an entire chapter dedicated to this particular kind of honesty, which is what I call Vérité.

Vérité is the French word for truth, but its meaning goes deeper than one word. Vérité is the truth beneath the truth.  Vérité is not nice, nor is it mean.  It is the truth that can’t be glossed over with gratitude.  It is the truth that takes a bit longer to rise because it is not coming from the knee jerk reaction of “I’m fine.”

The moment you enroll in Club Macaron you will receive instant access to the print and PDF book with a whole chapter on Vérité (how to listen for it, speak it, and live it) as well as a members-only class on The Art of Assertiveness.

Ready to trade in forced gratitude for silver tongued truth telling?

Club Macaron is only available for a limited time, click here to join us now!

Short & Sweet, From Me To You


Today I just want to say thank you.

It means so much to me that every week you give me your precious attention to read my blog and emails.  When I have an experience of Sacred Seduction I share about it on my blog, and those entries are the thing I am most proud of in the world. My diary is where I pour my heart and soul, and where I get to connect with other seductive souls from all across the world.  Maybe you’ve left a comment or sent me an email. Maybe you haven’t.  Either way, I feel you.

With all the emails that pour into our inboxes every week, I just want you to know what a privilege it is to be a guest in your online home.  I hope that every time we enter, my words and I leave things a little  better than we found them.

Please know that every time you share or like a post I’ve written, my heart explodes in gratitude!  The very essence of Sacred Seduction is attraction through authenticity, and I like to imagine that when I write something from my heart on the blog, it inspires you to be more authentic in your words and in your life.  When you share it, that inspires more people to do so.  This chain of inspiration is the mission of my company and my dream for the world.

So today, I just wanted to take the time to sincerely say with every sexy fiber of my being to every sexy fiber of yours:

I hope you are slowly savoring this delicious month, one seductive moment at a time.  I appreciate you so much.

All my love,







A Whole Lotta Loveness


It’s December Turtle Doves.

I friggin’ love this month, it’s true. But I gotta say, I, like you, am feeling the commercialization invasion happening all around us like never before.  Today I walked into the grocery store and as I heard the “Little Drummer Boy” pumping over the airwaves and passed countless holiday displays, I sensed the shadow side of seduction at play. When I felt the impulse to buy a box of cheery, ornamented fireplace matches placed strategically near the register for $10/cone, I seriously wonder just what and who my holiday dollars are actually voting for.

I was very inspired this year by REI’s campaign of closing their stores on Black Friday to encourage their employees and customers to #optoutside. It is meaning we are longing for now, not materials.  I feel that in every cell of my being. So rather than doing a Cyber Monday Sale or Giving Tuesday offer these last two days, I’ve decided to combine both of these ideas and make them last for the whole month of December.

Between December 1-31 2015, for every e-book, e-course or coaching session purchased, 25% will go directly to The House Of Loveness, a very special organization dedicated to the care and education of at-risk children in Zimbabwe.

Betsy Blankenbaker

House Of Loveness was founded by my dear friend and fellow author Betsy Blankenbaker. HOL began when one day in 2008, during the height of the cholera epidemic in Zimbabwe, a man wheeled a dirty wheelbarrow into the local hospital. Inside were four babies less than three months old, all abandoned in the nearby fields.  One was a girl and three were boys. The nurses at the hospital gave them names. The girl’s was named Loveness.

Betsy learned about Loveness through a friend, and immediately sent a letter advising the CEO of the hospital that she wanted to adopt the baby girl. She spent the next three weeks gathering the paperwork  needed for Zimbabwe (having never been to Africa) and preparing her home for a new child.  Betsy left for Zimbabwe with 300 lbs of donations from family and friends for the four abandoned babies.  She was not prepared for what happened next.

She arrived to the news that Loveness had died just before she got there.  In fact, all of the babies had died. After 20 hours of flying and deep anticipation of the adoption of her new daughter, Betsy found herself on the way to meet Loveness in the hospital morgue. In her words: “I looked at Loveness wrapped in white gauze but I couldn’t bring myself to hold her, a decision I regret to this day. Eight days later, on December 2, I buried Loveness in a local cemetery in a field of fresh graves.  In a white coffin, Loveness was surrounded by four baby boys whose unclaimed bodies had been in the morgue for more than week. I threw dirt on all five coffins while nurses from the hospital sang beautiful African songs. The moment I buried Loveness,  Zimbabwe became my back yard, and House of Loveness was born.”

House Of Loveness


Since that life altering day in 2008, Betsy has been a trailblazer for magic, healing and heart-exploding love.  I could list the many accolades and miracles that have transpired in Zimbabwe thanks to HOL, (and those specifics, which are well worth reading, can all be found here on their Facebook page) but the thing I most want you to know is that right now HOL is in the final stages of raising funds for a much needed, solar powered community library. And I’d like to use  the power of Sacred Seduction community, as well as my own personal donation to help.

I truly do love December and the holiday season.  But I admit, the plastic sugared plums and luxury candles purchased as hostess gifts leave me feeling more empty and spiritually vacant than ever.  I know you know what I mean. We are all seeing past the veil of illusion, and realizing that it is the meaning behind what we do that makes this month shine.  I am so grateful to have you as part of this community, and would be honored to collaborate with you to give the Loveness community the library it needs.  Of course, you can also simply donate directly by clicking here.

As an added incentive, for anyone who joins me in this campaign, I will be offering a free Q and A coaching call on Thursday January 7th at 12pm EST.  There is no time limit on this call.  I guarantee that I will answer each and every question, even if we are on the phone all day.

To make a purchase that gives 25%, simply click these links for the e-book, e-course, or a coaching session.

Here’s to giving, here’s to Loveness, and here’s to you,







With a Grateful Heart



Well friends, this week’s post is not my usual musing.

I’ve had a family emergency and write this from the ICU.

During this time, the last thing I feel like I should be thinking about is seduction.

And yet, seduction is my spiritual practice. So if now is not the time, when is?

These times that make us value and appreciate life and love heighten our senses like a fox in the woods, and like my friend Rochelle Schieck likes to say “every circumstance is just another opportunity to choose love or fear”.

Last week I wrote about conscious unconsciousness, when life is so painful that we just choose to turn off and tune out. But this week, I have been plunged into a tub of ice water and my awareness is keen. Because of that, I understand the impact of my choices more than ever, and how the little things count. A lot.

For example, last night I prepared myself seduction style for a slumber party here at the hospital with a cashmere wrap, essential oils for my skin and some period piece romantic films. I posted about this on the Sacred Seduction Facebook group, and one of my seductresses, who happens to be an ICU nurse somewhere in the world, wrote this in return:

“Look around you Kitty Cavalier, maybe you will see nurses doing the Queen’s walk. That’s what we practice at around 3:00 in the morning. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen the Queen’s Walk en masse in the ICU. It will rock your world. Tonight’s walk is dedicated to you and your family – leading with our hips and our hearts pressed forward.”

And now I’m crying.

I’m crying because seduction is a power greater than fear. Living seduction is about choosing to flow with rather than against. It makes room for pleasure, comfort, cheekiness and flirtation. These seductive arts dissolve fear and invite ease.   The thought there are nurses out there seducing patients back to wholeness, and families back to faith, with a wiggle in their hips and their wide-open hearts; it humbles me and inspires me.

I wish to extend my gratitude to you for reading this. I thought about taking the week off from posting, or posting a blog I had already finished. But this is not just my blog, it is truly my diary. It is current, and it’s what’s in my heart, now. Having you out there to write to, to witness my life and my journey and be inspired by yours, it means the world to me.

With a grateful heart,

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2012; All Blessings, All Love, All Thanks

Tomorrow is the shortest day of the year, the Winter Solstice.  I recently read a prayer that says “tonight we rejoice, in this longest night, embracing the darkness that enfolds us.” I’ve been thinking alot lately about the power of darkness, stillness, quiet.  I’ve been in hibernation this month, not working, not really doing anything. I thought I’d be taking this whole month to write my business plan for 2013, plan my online program, create a new burlesque class, etc.  All of those things are coming, but what my mind and body demand right now is reflection.  Time to rest. Time to press pause on creation.  Time to let the dust settle.  When the tide comes in again all of those creations will be born. But for now, it is time to rest.

2012 has been an amazing year for Kitty Cavalier, full of pleasure, growth, fun and adventures.  I always love receiving holiday letters that come with lots of pictures and descriptions, so I thought about making this blog entry a photo compilation with explanations of my favorite moments of 2012.  But I think music speaks louder than words, so do enjoy this video with my love.  

Happy Holidays, Happy New Year, Happy Solstice!